Reflections On Loss And Recovery - Islands In The Stream
One of the delights of my week is the Sunday, New York Times Magazine. I get it mostly for the crossword puzzle but I also never miss, “Lives,” on the end page. These personal vignettes from varied cultures and backgrounds often cause me to reflect back on my own experience. Such was a recent column by author and scholar, Tom Chaffin.
In his essay, “The Shore Dimly Seen,” Mr. Chaffin described his recovery following the removal of a benign tumor which left him with temporary aphasia. While his thinking remained clear he could not recall words nor make his cogent thoughts known, an experience common to this condition. Finally, during a speech therapy session he made a discovery that was to give him solace during this frustrating period. He found he could recall phrases from poems and song lyrics long ago committed to memory.
“…I can’t help thinking of those words and images of my interior life as essential landmarks in finding my way back to the outside world.” (Chaffin)
Back in the days when I was facilitating music for a geriatric population I witnessed something similar. Patients with OBS (Organic Brain Syndrome) or Alzheimer’s who otherwise couldn’t communicate their needs, would sing all the words to old favorites with a clarity that was startling. I particularly remember one unhappy woman whose face was transformed the moment she uttered the words. Although her smile lasted only as long as the song they nevertheless seemed like islands in the abyss much like Chaffin’s poetry.
While I no longer use music to connect others to past and present I do use the power of visual imagery as a means of integrating outer events with the inner experience. What excited me most about Chaffin’s description was the concrete example it presented of the potential for healing we carry within ourselves.
An Unexpected Resource
From the moment of birth we are gathering material, a kind of sensory vocabulary. I marvel at the mind’s ability to create a dream out of something seen last night on TV, mix it up with real events and/or mythic figures out of some fairy tale common to cultures around the globe! Everything is there without having to work at it.
When we meet obstacles whether an outcome of illness or some other kind of loss we lose our footing. This inner library may provide the “touch stones,” temporary floating devices, by which we may find our way to surer ground. In my classes I teach how to elicit the visual part of this vocabulary and put it down simply in painted images. Proficiency in draftsmanship is not the aim, playful wandering is. But perhaps the real gift
I paint daily in a visual journal to keep my imagination limber, like exercising a muscle. The times when I reach some impasse whether at work or personally however, are the most akin to Chaffin’s aphasic struggles. This spring my eighty year old father did not make his surprising but usual come back from yet another visit to the ER. By early summer he was gone, expected at some level but never prepared.
So when logic does not serve and words, written or conversational, cannot help me break through I reach for my journal.
I allow my brush to wander from stroke to shape, moving island to island. In the wandering I stumble on forgotten “lyrics,” visual footprints. They may not make sense in the moment but give me something to hold onto, a place to be, and the wonder is, I am strangely comforted and renewed.
The answers I am seeking, in this case, a way to let go, may not surface right away nor are they spelled out in black and white. It may be that my mind is simply clearer or faith in possibilities has returned. Because I am no longer pressing so hard new thoughts float up effortlessly. Sometimes, I only know that something, somewhere has shifted and I am solid ground again.
“Those lines that came to me, when all other words failed, provided a geography of hope, like some distant but clearly, visible shoreline.” (Chaffin)
Barbara Barry, artist and teacher, is the creator of “Art for Self-Discovery,” a series of experiential workshops that emphasize process over product for the purpose of reconnecting to untapped resources and blocked spontaneity. Innovative programs are available for adults, children and families and for the community. http://www.artforselfdiscovery.com
Tags: communication, journaling, loss, memory, painting, recovery, self-healing