16 Principles Of Parenting After Divorce
I have a definite bias on this subject. You may find this section difficult if you are considering a divorce or are already divorced. This section may sound harsh, but it gives voice to your children’s needs and the sometimes hidden consequences of divorce.
For over 20 years I have counseled young people ages 5-18, their families and extended families. This one event, divorce, affects children and teens’ lives profoundly and for a lifetime.
So, the first piece of advice is don’t divorce. Do EVERYTHING you can to stay together and I mean everything. It truly may take just a few more months to fall in love again and rekindle your life with this person. Not in misery, but in a place where you can rebuild and continue to love one another.
With that said, let’s look at what to do if you are divorced. There are some basic guidelines. I didn’t create these rules. Hundreds of children and teens created these rules during group and individual counseling sessions. This is what is truly in their hearts and what they have given me permission to help them voice. I hope you can honestly listen and hear. I have written the RULES the way the young people presented the rules to me in session.
- I will use the word ALWAYS in several of these guidelines. It is absolute common sense that if your ex is a child molester, abusive, alcoholic or drug addicted, then DON’T have your children interact with that person. If the courts have ordered visitation, then be sure the visitations are supervised visitation.
CHILDREN AND TEENS RULES FOR DIVORCE
1. Always keep the relationship open between me and my other parent.
2. Never speak poorly or critically about my mom or dad. When you speak negatively about them I assume there are parts of me that you hate too. After all, I’m half you and half my other parent.
3. Do not use me as your spy against my other parent. I resent it and feel pulled apart.
4. Do not ask me to choose who I love the most. It’s unfair, painful and I can’t give you the answer you want. I love you both, for different reasons.
5. Do not drag your boyfriends or girlfriends into my life unless it REALLY looks like you are going to marry this person. I hate the constant parade of people who really don’t mean anything.
6. Be really careful about who you bring into our home. Many of your so called boyfriends flirt with me or have touched or kissed me. Why don’t you protect me?
7. When you date, sleep with, party or carouse do this on the days or nights when I am with my other parent. I really don’t want to see you drunk or know you’re having sex with someone other than my parent. I will always throw this in your face - if it’s ok for you to have sex and not be married, it must be ok for me.
8. If you break up from a significant relationship and they know me well, I experience another loss. When I experience loss after loss I learn not to trust that anyone will ever be around for very long.
9. Do not buy intimate attire for your girlfriend or boyfriend when I’m with you….duh.
10. See rule number 7. If you follow this, you’ll never need rule number 10. For Pete’s sake, lock your door if you are foolish enough to bring in another partner. I am resentful, angry and embarrassed when I’ve walked into an unlocked bedroom to find you having sex with a stranger. Grab a clue, this is not any where near ok.
11. Live in the same City and State as my other parent. This makes having a relationship with my other parent easier and more affordable. I am tired of not seeing my other parent and sick of the excuses that no one can afford the expense to send me to visit the other parent.
12. If you promise you will see me, keep your promise. Period, no excuses.
13. Slow down both your dating and re-marriage immediately following a divorce. It feels like you never really loved my mom or dad when you move too quickly. Plus, I am in pain. I am experiencing a death of a dream. I’ve lost my family, as I know it. When you move too quickly you increase the intensity of my pain.
14. Don’t start dating until after you divorce. You’re still married until the papers are signed even if you’re not living together.
15. Work out peaceful agreements regarding the holidays.
16. Find a way to get along. I know you two can’t live together. Now at least grow up enough to speak civilly to each other. After all, you will both be there for my graduation, wedding and your grandkids. Do you want to live in a constant fight the rest of your lives? You may choose to fight for a lifetime, but eventually I won’t let you ruin my life because of it. When I’m an adult I simply will not invite you to the important events in my life.
Copyright 2007, Iris Fanning. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. www.irisfanning.com
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Tags: children, dating, divorce, family, love, marriage, parenting, post divorce, relationships, teens